My good friend Lou wrote this to her Betterware representative.  It’s brilliant:

Dear Sir,

Let me introduce myself, I am a pet shop employee, not a very large one (the shop), one of those little ones which only seems to sell fish and rodents and always smells of something completely unique to small pet shops and vets practices. Surprisingly its a sweaty smell and I’m pretty sure fish nor rodents have the ability to sweat (although I can’t be too certain about fish).

There is a reason why I am telling you this, a few weeks ago you may recall you came to my home in the early hours of the morning (which is quite a difficult time for me) and asked me to return the Betterware brochure that you’d decided of your own free will to post through my door just a few days earlier. I took the time out of my hectic morning routine to look for you and politely apologised when I could not find it. Rather then reciprocating the polite converse and departing, you decided to linger and present me with what can only be described as ‘non verbal aggressive breathing’. This ‘non verbal aggressive breathing’ I would consider more offensive then run of the mill insult as we both know what it meant but its not socially acceptable for me to release back to you the tension you had bestowed upon me. 

Instead I chose to take it out on just one fish I don’t really like the look of in the pet shop where I work, I wont go into how I did this or why I don’t like that particular fish, but I will tell you that I feel incredibly bad for off loading onto such a defenceless creature. I do find solace though in the hope that if the fish did choose to vent upon the other fish, that by lacking any teeth or claws surely it can only do a bit of sucking and fin flapping, which may even be pleasant to the other fish and thus convert my distress into pleasure for others. I can but hope.

Thus, in future if you continue to post this brochure I shall not read it, or return it, I shall learn origami to make a miniature village based around a haunted broccoli tree forest where people bury their pets and they come alive again but kind of all dismembered and oozing stuff.

I can only assume that you are either insane, or under some kind of contractual agreement to place this spam on my property, thus if you do insist on delivering the brochure in future, may I ask that you leave it outside some time before Tuesday at about 9 am where you can easily find it again without involving me. If in the mean time I decide that I do in fact need a nail dryer, a cosy blanket with sleeves or a six piece doily set I’ll be sure to spend the money on counselling instead.

YF,

N Tennant